So after the 12 of May my life both came together and fell apart. “Iowa” and I continue to chat to some great extent and I’m thinking I may have read her wrong the first go around meeting her. She certainly seems to like me a lot lately. Let’s re-cast Iowa, she’s a smart and funny woman, yes, and sexy, sure, but also wounded and cautious. We’ve been chatting for five months and just now she’s starting to get extra flirty. Today she told me she likes me, “like really really likes” me. This all means that in terms of women I have a flighty girl after me, but not after me, but gosh she likes me, and gosh I like her.
Which then brings me to dating. Why are the women that I want to date living across the freakin’ country? Hello Midwest, my you have some lovely charming women, who knew?
To try and solve the long distance dating thing I’ve been applying to jobs up and down the Midwest. I even had an interview with Purdue where they flew me out and we had a good long day together. I thought Purdue was going to come through for me, and then they didn’t. That was a full basket of eggs slung into a train that was barreling down a mountain at top speed. Eggs? Plans? What are those?
In the meantime I passed on a job offer here in Utah which would have been a solid position, but would have been in Utah. Find me that train I need to bash my head against it. I passed on full-time with benefits to try for dream job with dating privileges only to lose it all. And for the past two months now I have been applying for jobs and finishing up classes, and yesterday marked the end. I don’t know what else to do. Now I wait and hope that one of those jobs comes through. Now I wonder what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Why did I try for the Sun only to be left in the vacuum of outer-space?
This is all coming to a head today because now that I have time to think and I had a whole day to myself I realized, “crap, I really like Iowa.” And I also realized that I’m not really in a position to date her or anyone. I’m also to the point where living with my sister is putting me into a great depression. There’s no quiet, no time alone, no hope in something new to come, it’s all just noise and nothingness. And I am the type of person who likes a plan, I can work and function as long as I have a view of the future and lately that view is nothing but ……………… empty space. I’m not sure if I should move into a condo here and try for another position in Utah, or if something will come through in another state. I’m not sure if I should give up on the full-time positions and just start applying for the part-time adjuncting positions. I’m just not sure and I don’t know if there is a logical plan to be had at this point in time.
But then, when is life logical? When does it ever make sense? Patience, I know, is the goal. And I keep telling myself something will work out, but I don’t know what and I don’t know when. There are just question marks before me: What? When? Women? Work?
?