I woke up this morning to grey skies. PLP is at church and X and I are chilling on the couch. We apparently chill on the couch a lot it seems, especially while writing blog posts. I’ve spent the morning watching “Pink” videos and wondering what love is. I know, it’s all so cliche for my life.
This past week my brother had surgery on his back. I spent two days trying to help him get through the pain and get to the bathroom. (Note to self: there is a reason you didn’t go into nursing. Trying to keep a tall thick kid from falling over while peeing can produce nausea and nearly blacking out. Leave it to the professionals.) But I guess it has been good to spend time with him and listen to his drug induced rants. They don’t make much sense but it’s all funny.
Yesterday I was at my cousin’s house working on her basement apartment. She has — controlling parents. She’s recently divorced because her husband is a bastard who abused their daughters. Outcome: she’s poor, has no car, and three kids to care for. I’m trying to help get the basement apartment rent-able so that she will have enough income for a car. Then she won’t be quite so dependent upon her parents. (When I write out why I’m helping I remember that this is a good project. When I’m doing the project with no help from the cousin because…she’s fragile…I can’t always remember that it is a good thing.) My very pregnant sister has been helping me get the plumbing done and yesterday we managed to get the bathroom and kitchen sinks plumbed. Now there’s just all the other details. The list of what needs to be done is never ending. Seriously. She keeps adding to it. But hopefully we can get everything in and the apartment will be rented and I can return to my regularly scheduled life.
Outside the wind is picking up. The sky is darker. I keep waiting for a storm, and not just outside. Inside, I wonder when PLP will make a stand. I’ve noticed how we’ve started to get territorial. She only drives our truck now. (It is by far the nicer vehicle.) I take it as a sign that she has claimed the truck. So I’ve been wondering how things will split when we finally do split. My guess?
PLP
- Truck
- House
- kitchen everything
- movies
- music
- ottoman
- 1 couch
- dining room furniture
- her books
- lawn mower
- washer
- dryer
- her “bedroom”
- white towels set
- one lamp / side table
- console table
- tv ensamble
- bbq
- collected art
- vacuum
- camera, lenses, etc.
I’ll get:
- Xyla
- car
- tools
- my bedroom
- my books
- black towels set
- 1 couch
- 1 lamp / side table
- rejected pots and pans
- camping equipment
- 1 laundry sorter
- mac lappy
- debt
I split it up like this because some of the things I care about, some of the things I worry about, and I don’t want a fight. I don’t want her to feel screwed over. I have given all of myself to this relationship to make it work. I have given and learned to bend. I’m like a weeping willow at this point. I don’t know that I have any more fight in me. Take what you want, it doesn’t make for happiness. You decide when and how you’re going to be happy. I can be happy on my own without things. I can be happy as I am.
Yesterday PLP spent the day watching movies and television. Then we went to my sisters and had dinner, watched a movie, hung with my nieces, my parents, my brother. She didn’t talk much. She held the baby and ignored all of us for the most part. Why say anything when you wish you weren’t there? (Oh wait, that’s not fair. I don’t know what she was thinking, she never says.)
I keep asking myself why I was so hard/horrible to date. I know that I have faults, but I really do try to work on them. I don’t understand why everyone who thinks they love me, who says they’ll love me always, eventually abandons me. I’m not what she wants. But I don’t think I was ever really what she wanted. I think that she didn’t know what she wanted. Was I kind, outgoing, fun, funny? Yes. Did I try to love and care for her? Yes. Did I do everything I could to convince her to like me? Yes. But where was she in all that. Flattered to be wanted. Willing to give me a chance. Not aware that I was never what she wanted. I think I keep dating girls who are unaware of what they want or who they are.
I wonder, are there any girls out there who know who they are and what they want? Would any of them want me?