Self?
–Yes?
What are you thinking about today?
–How I try to do my best but it hardly seems good enough for PLP or anyone most of the time. I’m concerned that the lack of approval from any source other than myself is wearing on my character. I’m afraid that it makes me never want to love, or trust, or give, or sacrifice, or care about anyone else.
Does that matter?
–I think so. I mean, what’s the point of being here with all these other people if we’re not supposed to interact with them sometime. I know that PLP has been telling me that only I can make Me happy. And she says that I don’t make her happy, she makes her happy. So there is a lot of self focus. “My path.” “My happiness.” “We have to look out for number one.” Except…I want to be in partnership to look out for one another. I can look out for me. I’ve been doing it all my life. If that’s the point in life then I don’t need a family or a relationship or friends. (None of it will make me happy.) But I can’t believe that’s all true. Sure, I decide how I see the world, what I choose to do, how I let it affect me, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t impact one another. Is that crazy?
Are you asking me? Because if you’re asking me then I think you have a choice as to what you choose to worship. (See David Foster Wallace.) If you want to be self-centered, then go for it. In the center you’ll find you, still just you. But if you’re looking to be a part of this world, the whole world, then you’re going to have to focus on more than just the center of your own centripetal force.
–Okay, but my concern with that is the idea of being “co-dependent.” Co-dependency is when one looks for value outside the self. It focuses on fixing others’ problems, and forgetting our own needs to try and answer others’ needs. And fine, I don’t want that. I believe I have value outside of PLP I’m just not sure it matters. I mean if the world is full of the Centripetal Self then what good does it do me if I want to help others, and love others, and sacrifice for others in the name of love? In the name of a relationship? Isn’t that all just going to lead me into another relationship where it doesn’t matter what I do it will never be enough because I can’t help people, and I can’t make people happy?
Let me ask you something, are you prepared to be alone for the rest of your life?
–I can accept that I may never have another relationship again. I can accept that it might just be me and some dog. (See I don’t want to be alone alone. I want to be able to give my love and attention to something worthwhile. A dog is a good companion–it needs love, and I can offer it that. We both win.) Other than a dog, yes, I think I can be alone. Is that my choice? Be self-centered or be alone? They don’t seem like a choice. They seem like the same thing.
Maybe they are. What do you believe is the right answer?
–I guess that I believe we have to be happy with ourselves without approval from others. That we decided how to react to the world. But I also believe that we need others to help us see ourselves. How do we know we’re obnoxious unless someone says so? And then if someone says so we need to have enough awareness to determine if such criticism is valid or not. Maybe I am obnoxious, but maybe I like myself that way. That person and I probably won’t be friends. However, if I don’t recognize some fault, then others can help to point out flaws and help support the effort to grow, or change. I guess to me the difference is one type of criticism is offered in love with the best interest of the criticized in mind, while the other is mean and self-centered suggesting that if the criticized person would change, then the self could be happy. (Confusing enough?)
You’re saying: If person A criticized person B out of love to help person B become who person B wants to become then that is good. But if person A criticizes person B to try and change person B into who person A wants person B to be, then it is bad.
–Right. And part of being in a relationship is to help the self distinguish the motives that prompt criticism. Do I help this person because I love them? Or do I help this person because I want them to love me/I want to love them?
So what do you think you have now?
–I’m not sure. PLP criticizes me a lot and some of it is good. Like when I wasn’t checking my blind spot while driving. But then she never acknowledges that I took her advice and work to always check my blind spot. I try to take in good criticism, but there’s always more coming down that hatch. It doesn’t seem to matter if I address a problem or not. So I’m not sure what motivates her to criticize. Meanwhile I don’t feel like I can criticize anything about what she does or how she does it because she thinks I’m just being critical. And perhaps I am. I don’t just want to be critical. But does that mean that we can’t have a balanced relationship? Does that mean that it really isn’t a partnership if we can’t help each other?
Hmm. So things are uneven.
–Yeah, but nothing is ever even. Part of what makes a relationship work is that both parties are willing to work on the relationship, maybe not always at the same time, but over the course of time. I give what I have when I have it. I give everything I have when I have it. In return my partner offers everything she has to give when she can. Love is when everyone tries to give 100% all the time and you don’t keep score and say, “You only gave it 50% so I only have to offer you 50%.” No, it has to be, “I’ll give you everything I have and sometimes that’s more and sometimes that’s less, but we are always equal because we always offer everything.
Do you offer everything?
–No. Not always. I’m selfish sometimes. Sometimes I don’t trust that anything will come back. Sometimes I know nothing will come back.
How then can you suggest how things ought to be and expect them in your life if you’re unwilling to operate under the same premise?
–I can’t. That’s one of the reasons that I’m trying to sort out this Centripetal-Self stuff. Do I fear the self? Or do I fear the self of others? Do I try to give because I know how bad I am? Are my motives really just based on selfish desires?
I don’t know. I think that you’re trying to do better. You’re working on honesty with yourself and others. Look, you don’t tell your mother that you’re going to church when you’re not. See baby steps to accepting yourself and helping others to trust that self. If you can be honest there, maybe, eventually you can be honest all the way through. Meaning, if you recognize your own flaws and work on them, others can appreciate your efforts and love you in spite of your weaknesses…maybe because of your weaknesses.
–So I do need to stop focusing on others and just focus on myself. I need to improve me and then I’ll be able to be loved and to love. And the best way to fix my flaws is to focus on others with love, and kindness, and sacrifice?
Probably. Big books say so.
–It sounds circular. Where is the out?
You’ll never be good enough, no one will, so accept yourself and others as they are. You don’t have to criticize anyone, just love them.
–And fix my flaws.
Try to. That’s the most you can hope for. No one said it wasn’t circular. Maybe everything is circular and we think that it’s binary because of where we are standing in the circle we only see the other side, we never see the full route. But go around enough times, over and over, helping others and loving the self and I think you’ll start to see.
–Sure, I’m seeing circles. And I guess it only matters which force we consider, the centripetal or the centrifugal.
Yes. See there is another force, it does have an effect. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You can focus inward and go in circles or you can focus outward and go in circles. One pushes you, the other pushes others.
–Hmm.
Hmm.
–And why did you ask if I’m prepared to be alone?
I’m just checking. Looking for what the purpose of staying is.
–Fair play. Fair play.