Waxing and Waning

As my comrade, the TX Bridgefarmer, noted, I haven’t written for a while. I appreciate you mentioning that all has been still on my blog-front and thus encouraging and reminding me that I have this outlet for a reason.

Since my last post I have had my now girlfriend Iowa move in with me, then we decided to move to Iowa, then I found a job, started and doctorate program, and was blasted by a cold midwest winter.

That’s the summary anyway.

My days are basically in a constant cycle of flux, much like the moon, waxing and waning, showing light and losing it. I find myself in a land called Iowa and with people who have never seen much beyond the six hour driving radius that they call traveling.

I’ve met the summer swelter of humidity and felt my body literally melt off of me. The prairie lands have a humid summer with fireflies that dance in a thick air that makes me feel like I’m in a water globe and my feet have been glued to some unnaturally green turf while the rest of the world twinkles and swirls around me.

Then I found a part-time job teaching at a local community college in a small town. I have gone from teaching in a University with 30,000 students, to teaching in a community college based in a town of 30,000 people total. The school is made up of a “good old boys” network of friends with little potential for moving up, but I like the students. They think I’m a good teacher because I teach them. The comparison to my colleagues is a little disheartening. I thought people taught because they wanted to teach.

Come fall I felt alive with the cooling temperatures, the moderate even landscape, the thrill of the season. But also conflicted because I was living away from my girl friend the stud muffin, (who I have referred to as “Iowa” which was fine until we moved here, and will now be called muffin). I moved 1200 miles to live and be with Muffin, only to have her work an hour away and never get to see her without the constant watch of her family, particularly her parents. I was a mess torn between wanting my life with Muffin and my independence or autonomy from everyone. Xyla and I walked, we walked and we waited. I slept and tried to be less depressed about everything.

Then I needed to stop stressing and to move on with something in my life, have control over something, so I started a doctorate program online. Thus far the books and texts are interesting, but the interactions are at best fine.

November I finally moved into my own apartment, and Muffin finally joined me. She still goes home every week for at least a visit, if not an over-night stay. In some ways I delight in her being close to her family because she can see them and I can have some introvert-required alone time. But she also wants me to spend time with her family, so much of our time is spent there and I have to forfeit my alone time with bonding time. (I’m not complaining about bonding time, I like her family, but I’m trying to find time and balance to shape a life here and that means I need down time and alone time and work time, weeks and weekends focused here.

I have yet to spend two full weeks in my current city without traveling for “visits.”

So I’m reflecting the space and time that I have. Right now, after weeks traveling back to Utah to see family for the holidays, and then time spent with Muffin’s family, and then time spent for classes (doctorate), and time in preparation for my teaching next semester I feel only like a sliver of the moon, so small that my light may be extinguished, and yet, I’m here.

Some of the sustaining light comes from Muffin who is sweet and wonderful and supportive. Some of the darkness comes from the challenges that are embedded in any new relationship.

None of this post is terribly elaborate, or necessarily fair, as a depiction of the last 6.5 months+ however long the last post was posted, but it’s the stuff that comes to mind at 1:00 am. I’m a jumble of content to have some quiet time alone on the couch, and eager to go cuddle in bed. I’m a mix of life is awesome, and “why hasn’t muffin told her parents’ that I’m her girlfriend despite me living with them for 4 months, despite her telling me she will, and then changing the date over and over of when she’ll tell them??” I’m a lot of emotions and contradictions and I’ve been holding all the thoughts inside because I forgot that there are places where I can write and things I can do to share the experiences and not be so alone. Joys and triumphs, struggles and set-backs.

Working and Wooing

Tags

career, dates, dating, jobs, local community college, teaching, women, work

Damnit! I know that’s how it goes, I write a post all complaining about everything that is going wrong or that I’m struggling with and then everything turns.

This week my friend Iowa asked me on a date. Out of the blue she asks, “Do you want to go on a date with me?” And I’m thinking this must be a joke or something, but I of course want to go, so I say, “Uh, sure.?” To which she replies, “You don’t have to, I’m just asking.”

And I’m thinking, “You’re being serious? You’re being serious! Crap, what do I say?”

So as smoothly as I can I work to remedy the situation, “Um, no, I mean, yeah. I would like to go on a date with you. I mean, that’d be great, er, yes please! Thank you.”

“You are terrible on the phone. You said, no and yes. What is it?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Good, because I like ya, and I want to take you out.”

That is the first time someone has asked me out. I’m thinking, what do I do? I ask people out, but I’m not asked out. So there we go, my flighty bird is asking me on a date and being so open with me.  That’s the wooing front.

Part 2: Working

This week I got a call from the local University that I already turned down a position with.  The Chair of the department called to say that a new full-time position had opened up and they’d like me to fill it.

My initial thought was, “fuck, no!” because I still would like to move to the Midwest, but I’m not that stupid and when the chair asked if I was interested I said, “Yes, of course.”

My family is super excited about me having a job in Utah.

Then today I got an email from a local community college that I applied with a year ago.  The email said they’d like to offer me a job to teach classes this fall. Can I just say, what the fuck people? What the fuck?

So within a week I have a job and a girl. I’m delighted, and surprised. Everyone has been telling me things will work out and they are. I knew they would, but it surprises me how they are working out.  I guess I just need to be grateful that they are and then get to work.

Thanks for all the support.

Women! And Work

Tags

basket of eggs, charming women, job offer, jobs, questions, timeline

So after the 12 of May my life both came together and fell apart. “Iowa” and I continue to chat to some great extent and I’m thinking I may have read her wrong the first go around meeting her. She certainly seems to like me a lot lately. Let’s re-cast Iowa, she’s a smart and funny woman, yes, and sexy, sure, but also wounded and cautious. We’ve been chatting for five months and just now she’s starting to get extra flirty. Today she told me she likes me, “like really really likes” me.  This all means that in terms of women I have a flighty girl after me, but not after me, but gosh she likes me, and gosh I like her.

Which then brings me to dating. Why are the women that I want to date living across the freakin’ country? Hello Midwest, my you have some lovely charming women, who knew?

To try and solve the long distance dating thing I’ve been applying to jobs up and down the Midwest. I even had an interview with Purdue where they flew me out and we had a good long day together. I thought Purdue was going to come through for me, and then they didn’t. That was a full basket of eggs slung into a train that was barreling down a mountain at top speed. Eggs? Plans? What are those?

In the meantime I passed on a job offer here in Utah which would have been a solid position, but would have been in Utah. Find me that train I need to bash my head against it. I passed on full-time with benefits to try for dream job with dating privileges only to lose it all. And for the past two months now I have been applying for jobs and finishing up classes, and yesterday marked the end. I don’t know what else to do. Now I wait and hope that one of those jobs comes through. Now I wonder what it is I’m supposed to be doing. Why did I try for the Sun only to be left in the vacuum of outer-space?

This is all coming to a head today because now that I have time to think and I had a whole day to myself I realized, “crap, I really like Iowa.” And I also realized that I’m not really in a position to date her or anyone. I’m also to the point where living with my sister is putting me into a great depression. There’s no quiet, no time alone, no hope in something new to come, it’s all just noise and nothingness. And I am the type of person who likes a plan, I can work and function as long as I have a view of the future and lately that view is nothing but ……………… empty space. I’m not sure if I should move into a condo here and try for another position in Utah, or if something will come through in another state. I’m not sure if I should give up on the full-time positions and just start applying for the part-time adjuncting positions. I’m just not sure and I don’t know if there is a logical plan to be had at this point in time.

But then, when is life logical? When does it ever make sense? Patience, I know, is the goal. And I keep telling myself something will work out, but I don’t know what and I don’t know when. There are just question marks before me: What? When? Women? Work?

?

 

 

 

Iowa

Tags

dating, Iowa, pairie, travel, vacation

Did you know that there are parts of the country that are just green? Or there are parts of the country where rain is a common thing? I’m from Utah, a desert, so this idea of rain or greenery without extensive irrigation is a strange idea.

Of course the more interesting part of visiting Iowa is not the landscape, though I loved that part. No, I went out to visit a person I met online. We will call her Iowa. Iowa is basically a foxy woman with a lot of energy and a crazy sense of humor. She is also not interested in dating me at all.  Go figure. I don’t blame her, there needs to be a little chemistry to make things happen, but of course I go and meet someone who I think is perfect just to be shot down with, “You’re sweet.”

I am sweet, but that’s not what you want to hear from someone you’d like to date.

Aside from not dating Iowa, it was an awesome trip. We did a lot of site seeing, she showed me her home town and her local parks. We walked the woods and wandered museums. We went to a baseball game, the coldest baseball game of my entire life, and we watched movies.  It was an easy going weekend.

I do appreciate the friend I have in Iowa. She’s smart and funny and the chance to hang out with her reminded me that not everything has to be tied up in drama. Sometimes it is okay to just have friends that you can get along with and enjoy.

So the state of Catherine after Iowa? Well, I have this crush and I’m trying to get over it so it doesn’t get in the way of a good friendship.  I also now know that I like prairie lands and fresh fish and chips. Good stuff.

My Life: an Update

Tags

control, facing life, Iowa, online dating

I’ve been avoiding writing lately. I mean, I’ve been writing a lot to all the women online, but I’ve been avoiding thinking about what all that writing means. I think it’s just been a lot of distraction and I want the distraction from the regular roll of life that is tumbling along.

The semester is coming to a close. I have received a lot of rejection letters, one online position, and one hopeful full-time position, unless I blew that opportunity. Not knowing the outline of my career makes me wonder when, or if, I’ll ever feel settled.

To add to the unsettled feeling I’ve agreed to meet one person from the online boards. This actually feels like the most settled part of my life because she is about the only consistent thing in my life. Wake up get a text. Going to bed, send a text. At least a few texts throughout the day.  Everything else is in flux. But while it all seems fine, and she seems great, part of me is berating myself and asking, “Are you a dumbass? You’re going to meet someone from online even though you’re a mess and you think that won’t add stress or anxiety to your life? And what if you like her? Hmmm, what then?”

The me in my head is kind of a jerk. I want to meet online girl because I need to make some assessments about time investment. That sounds cold, but it’s really about being practical. (also a cold statement.) I mean, I do send her email and texts and those don’t take a little amount of time, so I would like to know if she would be worth investing in despite the fact that I have other things going on, and my life is a tumble. Not to ensnare her, but at least get a friend out of this process.  And in order to understand her as a friend, then I feel I need to meet her as such.

I know that meeting people can be a terrible experience for some people, but for me the meeting is an opportunity because I fail in so many other forms of communication. Like talking on the phone is a disaster. A real disaster. I have to call in the coast guard every time I speak on the phone and they usually have to resuscitate the  person on the other end of the line because I’m so bad at conversations over the phone that the person ends up nearly asphyxiated to death.

Am I kidding myself? Do I want to see her because I think that I’d like an adventure? Or a distance girl friend? Or just to try and piss off the PLP? Is it about distraction, more than I’m already offering up? Is it a bad idea? I don’t know. But it seems like an area that I can take control over in my life. The job hunt is on a low, the work is winding down just to climb again, and I have no sense of where I’ll be in three months which makes me feel crazy.  Thus, being able to say, I’m going to do something about this part of my life, I’m going to meet this person, seems like taking my life in my own hands again.

Perhaps that’s the problem I’m facing. Maybe I need to relinquish some of the control and learn to accept what comes as it comes rather than always focusing on making things work.

I don’t know. But I do know that in two weeks I’ll be seeing the great state of Iowa with a girl who I talk to regularly but don’t really know. If she turns out to be a serial killer then I guess it’s been good talking. Otherwise I’ll let you know how that takes shape.

Making friends

Tags

friends, online dating, people

I’m sorry, I fell off the face of the planet and have been circling the world of online dating from a semi-conscious state that lacks both oxygen and sanity. When I say online dating I don’t mean I’m dating; I mean that I’m chatting with people who will eventually not date me. It presents both an exhilarating and crushing emotion.

In the meantime my sister, who I’ve moved in with, is getting antsy that I’m dating. She doesn’t want to facilitate me dating because that would be bad. But she doesn’t ask me what’s up because she doesn’t want to pry. I want to shake her a little and explain that I don’t just live in her house because I’m young and I need space, I’m not dating. Nor do I have any prospects for dating. I’m trying to make my life work, and that is something it doesn’t seem to want to do.

Meanwhile, I keep reading about the struggles that others are having with family and relationships. It makes me sad that people are so willing to constrict any idea of what is acceptable. Where’s the love people?

And Sunday the exPLP came to dinner because my mom, sister, and I invited her. Am I being crazy? Probably, but I know that she’s not transitioning well and I’m trying to be as kind as possible. At the end of the evening she ran out of the house and I stood at her car for a good 30 minutes while she cried because I seemed so happy and was moving on. Um, thanks right?

 

Looking into something new

Tags

cycling, renewed

I’ve been living at my sister’s for a few days now. I’ve slept here and showered here, and I’m starting to get the swing of things.  Of course, there are still more boxes to unpack, but at least the underwear is in a drawer.

Being at the sisters I’m now a lot farther from my regular friends. I’m so used to just hanging out with them every night, and now I feel like I don’t have any plans.  So I’m looking into hobbies to take up.  I’ve been thinking about bikes.

Is it terribly cliche? I don’t know, but I’d like to start getting some more exercise and running is out because bouncing boobs hurt.  But biking can offer the cardio I want and the distance of exploration.

I haven’t had a bike in years. The PLP wouldn’t let me, which is such a strange thing to think now. Why not?  Apparently there were warning signs everywhere but I was oblivious.  So I’m looking back into a bike, a nice, old road bike like I used to have.

Like this one:

Gangstas drive on grass

Tags

gangsters, kids, moving, things kids say

This week is Spring Break for the school I work for, which means I have time to move.  Yesterday my sister helped me take two loads to her house, and we managed to get the kids to help haul stuff in for us.

The last thing to move was a BBQ and to get it to the back patio we opted to drive the truck around the yard.  I had four kids in the cab with me because they were super excited to be driving on the grass.  The minute the tires hit sod my nephew started to yell, “We gangsters now!”  I think these kids live a very sheltered life if driving on the lawn is equivalent to being gangstas. So special, but funny.

 

The PLP is pounding about

Tags

anger, emotions, past relationships, plp

The PLP is angry this morning. I asked why she’s in a bad mood and she said she didn’t know.  So whatever, I’m in my room doing my own thing.  If you she wants to be angry she can be.

I’m sure that part of the reason she’s angry is that I went and hung out with my friends last night and didn’t invite her.  (That would be twice this week.)  In any case she’s pissed that I have friends and she doesn’t. She’s pissed that my friends chose me and not her.  What does one say to that?  I didn’t say ignore your  friends?  I tried to encourage you to make friends and do things with them without me.  I can understand being upset about not being invited, but when you were doing it to me you couldn’t understand.  I’m not trying to do payback. I’m just doing my own thing. We’re not together, and I’ve been nice, but I can’t keep helping you with everything.

Is it unfair to think that I’ve been in charge of our social life for 10 years and now she’s pissed because I’m not?

Outside my room she pounding around, stomping throughout the house.  No entiendo. She wants me to know that she’s mad, but she doesn’t want to say why.  She wants me to be concerned and caring, but that’s not my role anymore.  She chose to have anyone else play that part but me. I’m trying to not to be annoyed.  I don’t need to be annoyed.  I can do my thing, pack my stuff, make my peace.

Yes!

Tags

career, family, finding a job, hope, job offer, jobs, moving, presentations, success, writing program

Today is a good day.  A frantic, where has all this hope been? Kind of day!

This morning I awoke to a phone call from the Director of the Writing program that I teach for, she wanted to ask me to do a 15 minute presentation for our staff meetings coming up this month.  This is more work, but this is good work. It means that I exist in the University.  It means that someone has noticed my effort to be an engaging instructor.  It means that I have a chance of finding a job with or without them.

I have managed to make a “friend” online. And today marks some 2 or 3 weeks of conversation.  That is an impressive amount of conversation for the online community.

After picking up the PLP from the airport, I received a job offer for an online university that I’ve been jumping hoops for.  Three months of hoops is starting to pay off.

Grades are almost complete. Tomorrow is the last day of the week. And next week is spring break.  My family is excited about helping me move, and I should be getting my tax refund in the coming days.

I feel GREAT!